Nobody walks in with a pattern that came out of nowhere. Whatever you're doing, it worked once. It kept things calm, or it got you a response, or it kept you from needing anything from anyone. Then it stopped working and you kept doing it anyway, because that's what happens.

I'm Whitney Baker, LMFTA. Thirteen years in mental health and social services, Gottman-trained, and I still believe in love. Most of the couples I see aren't out of it. They're out of language, and that part is teachable.